I Need to Say This, Episode 2: Subconscious Imitation = Highest Form of Flattery

So I found a hat that looked a lot like a sheep (they told me it was for a lion?) in a costume closet of a Chicago storefront theater. I put it on, put some paper in my mouth (cuz sheep like eating paper, ask any of 'em), and told Annie T to take a picture of me. After looking at it, however, I realized that I was doing something far more involved than just being an adorable paper bag-eating lamb...

I was emulating Matthew Barney in Cremaster 3.


And I didn't plan it. Though I have been reading that huge Cremaster book every night before I go to sleep. This makes me want to leave my office, dress up like a goat, wear a reeeeally tight corset, and play with Vaseline. Obviously I'm destined for it.

My Weird-Ass Band and its Weird-Ass Everything, Episode 3: Camera Whores

First of all:

We've got a show coming up, and it's another hot collaboration (no vagina this time). We wanted to be VintageClassy for VintageClassy Cal's.



I take a lot of pictures of Ryan and Justin and I need to dump some somewhere. This is mostly because I like to take pictures when I'm drunk, but also because they're oddly photogenic:

A typical band rehearsal.

You can't tell, but they're actually making fun of me. But don't they look adorable? Gay men certainly seem to think so. They're also being good sports; I made them go to the Brauhaus cuz I wanted a Bavarian Pretzel (jaaaaWHOL) and they went, even though the beer is overpriced. What a couple of Awesomes.

I Draw at Work, Episode 4: Scan Before Delivery

I made this one last week. Ones like this one make me love my job. Let's say the word 'one' again.

Proof I am an Adult, Episode 3: Bag It Before You Tag It

Sometimes I don't stay at home. In these cases I am either at my bass player's apartment (eating ramen, watching awesome movies) or I'm at Annieliese's (eating popcorn, watching awesome movies). Monday (or was it a tuesday) night found me at Annie's. Her roommate gave me a sleeping bag with which to sleep. I, being a level-headed adult, decided to get warm immediately by wrapping myself up with it.



By 'wrapping myself up' I mean 'wear the sleeping bag upside down, demand someone take a picture, and slowly lose oxygen.'

I Draw At Work, Episode 3: Parrototter Otterparrot

This is #3 of 5 of those things I did for Annie T. and have yet to give her:



I have no idea why they're partying...it must have been someone's birthday. Usually when someone has a birthday there is cake, and when there is cake, it's always a party. Don't question me on this fact. ALWAYS.

I Need to Say This, Episode 1: Beyonce Knowles Writes Songs Like she has a Speech Impediment

The title pretty much says it. My buddy Garrett and I were talking about popular music like we do, and talk came to Beyonce's hot hit single "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)". After talking about the crazy-ass dance (Garrett and I now shake around pointing at our ring fingers to EVERY song on the radio), we talked about her lyrics, and let me tell you, kids. No other songwriter right now is as repetetive as Mrs. Hova.

Observe some lyrics from the aforementioned song:

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies

Another part:

Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
whoa oh ooh, oh oh ooh, oh oh ooh, oh oh oh
whoa oh ooh, oh oh ooh, oh oh ooh, oh oh oh

Now, I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "Oh, but that's just the hook. That song is pretty much just a hook over and over. Her other stuff ain't like that. Lindsey is straight trippin'." But NO! Here's some lyrics from "Crazy In Love":

Got me lookin' so crazy right now
Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now (your love)
Got me lookin' so crazy right now
Your touch got me lookin so crazy right now (your touch)
Got me hoping you page me right now
Your kiss got me hoping you save me right now
Lookin' so crazy your love's got me lookin' got me lookin' so crazy in love

Jesus Christ. Got me effin' dizzy is what you've got me lookin' like right now. How about when she was writing shit for Destiny's Child?

I don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Cause my body too bootylicious for ya babe
I don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Cause my body too bootylicious for ya babe

OH MY GOD.

I'm not saying she's a horrible songwriter (though if I walked into rehearsal with a song like this the boys would think I was crazy), her shit is OFF DA HOOK, but girrrrrrl sho' do like her repeatin'. Sho' like, sho' like, sho' like her repeatin'-peatin'-peatin'.

Proof I am an Adult, Episode 2: Jim Beam Black, Don't Ever Go Away.

I really appreciate a good small bottle of Jim Beam Black. I then appreciate smuggling it into the Cubby Bear and drinking it with a friend. I then appreciate people documenting my behavior on the internet, which I immediately forward on to my mother, just so she knows how much of a good clean fun time I'm carefully having:



I then appreciate my mother sending me back an email saying I look vaguely like Jim Carrey (my hero since the age of 9). Mom knows all the right things to say.

My Weird-Ass Band and its Weird-Ass Everything, Episode 2: Bling-Blingin' Salinger Squid

Ryan left me to do a flyer all by myself. This happened:

I have this odd fascination with J.D. Salinger's head. I was going to make a comic strip at IU about him and it was just going to be his head hovering above me, telling me to do horrible things. Sadly, it never happened (but it could!), so I made him a squid that stays flashy 'til the day that he die. Word.

I'm more than sure that Salinger's up in heaven somewhere thinking to himself, wow. someone down there really loves me.

(Also I have this odd fascination with pretending that he's already dead.)

My Dad's a DJ, Episode 2: Let's get Retarded!

Here's my dad and some white guys with the member of the Black Eyed Peas (labeled):


There are many favorite parts in this one. Let me tell you them!

1. The three white guys look soooo scared. And you know what? They should be. The black-to-white ratio is 1 to 1 (and I'm counting that pasty Taboo as black, cuz...there should be at least a little in him.)

2. Will.i.am is touching my dad like they're father and son in a family photo. His touch is possessive, as if to say, "This is mine. Can you believe my sperms made this? Neither can I!"

3. Taboo is either giving us the A-OK or he is holding an invisible doobie. I'm gonna agree with the latter, cuz he's probably rich enough to afford invisible drugs (them's is pricey drugs).

4. Fergie-Ferg. Where are your breasts? And is that the same track outfit that you peed onstage in? Did you wash it before you put it on? Did Taboo give you some of his Invisibo-Pot? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS AND YOU CAN'T ANSWER ANY OF THEM BECAUSE YOU ARE A PICTURE.

5. Just so the Apple guy (his name has the word 'apple' in it, I swear it does) doesn't feel left out, I'll say something about him: You're wearing too much denim and you look like a cowboy villian in the face. Have a nice day.

I Draw at Work, Episode 2: Octocat, or Cactopuss

2 of the 5 for Anneliese:

I am so in love with packing tape. Whenever a box comes from anywhere, I immediately leap upon it and ever-so-carefully peel the neon labels off. Co-workers look on, slightly confused, but also aware that something dangerously awesome is about to happen. This dangerously awesome thing is a Cactopuss.